Search, ponder, pray

I have been looking for a long time about what to believe.  It's been a very long journey to say the least. I've tried praying and reading my scriptures and hung out with those who I should be spending time with.  But I never was doing it for the right reasons.  Every time I did this before, I would just go through the motions rather than actually caring about what was happening in my life.  
The times that I have been happiest were the summer of '08 when I was hanging out with da crew and was not surrounded by any "bad" things. Then I met Kevin a while later and once again, had the best time of my life hanging out with him and doing wholesome things.  Other than those two times, I have been surrounded by things that aren't spiritually enlightening and don't give me good feelings.  It has been like a dark cloud has been over me that just hasn't allowed me to be truly happy.  Then a month ago, wow it seems like it has been so much longer, my whole life changed. I met Jono, Lancaster and Nate. 
These three reminded me of what I had been missing in my life. They allow me to be myself and have a good time without needing to be drunk.  They have shown me how to live again. I've started reading the scriptures and praying every night and that alone has made a difference. Never before have my prayers been answered until 2 days ago. Sunday August 1st, 2010. 
I went to a singles ward with Nate and Chase.  I got to Nate's at 12:40pm and then we went to church at 1.  The boys went to priesthood while Nate's sister and I went to relief society. The lesson was about finding strength through our trials and learning from our experiences. Little things that people said got to me. A few girls mentioned how their patriarchal blessings have helped them remember where they were striving to be, and that just fueled my fire and made the desire to get mine even stronger. Then Nate came and we went to Sunday school were the lesson was about Naaman and how we are told such simple things to do and as long as we do them we will be blessed. 
Sacrament meeting was like something I have never experienced before.  I have been praying for guidance and strength through my trials and choosing to do what is right. I have given thanks for the boys and their amazing influence on me. I have asked for some type of reason to go to church and all the answers were in the words that people said through their testimonies. Technically it wasn't directly from God, but I still believe they were answers to my prayers. The people said things that helped me so much and made me love my friends even more.  Another silly thing, my stomach was growling really loud because I had been fasting for almost 24 hours which is probably the only time I have ever actually fasted. My stomach growling kept making me laugh, so I asked Heavenly Father to make it stop so I could feel the spirit more and enjoy the experience. After that, it still growled occasionally but it was silent so I didn't think it was funny and didn't laugh. For the first time in 6 years I went to church on my own.  I chose to give up drinking, partying, and swearing on my own. I am choosing to not spend time with people who do things against LDS standards on my own. I set up meetings with the bishop to get my Patriarchal Blessing and hopefully temple recommend on my own. Everything is just for me and it has made it so worth it and even more gratifying. I love being spiritually awakened and having something that helps me stay close to those who really matter and stay doing the things that I want to be doing. 
After church I finally broke my fast. Nate's family invited me to have Sunday dinner with them. I can't even remember the last time that I had a sit-down family dinner at my parents house other than for special occasions. The conversation was light and easy and I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. They're a great family. Sam has a little crush on me and throughout the day asked me if Nate and I were going to get married, he gave me kisses on my cheeks, and asked me so many "do  you like this or that" questions. Nate's sister and her husband just got home from their honeymoon so we watched them open all of their presents. Sam sat on my lap the whole time...he is too stinking cute. Once we had enough of that we went and played with Sam out on the tramp until it was time to make cookies. Peanut butter thumbprints, Nate's favorite. I just hung out with his sisters and brothers and had a great time. 6 kids who all get along great, is something that I had never seen before. Chase came over and we all had a great time talking about church stuff and just enjoying the pleasure of each others company.  Then at night we went on a walk with his family, it was so relaxing. The perfect end to a sunday...but it wasn't quite over yet. We walked and talked, Sam came and put his arm around me a couple times haha what a stud!! But on the walk I remembered that I had a quiz and paper due. Nate told me to just stay and do it at his house. I started them at 10:45pm and finished a 3pg paper and quiz by 11. It was pretty impressive, even though it was probably terribly written. Nate, Chase and I read out of missionary book and laid out on the tramp ... until the sprinklers turned on and we all got wet. It was so funny!! We sat on the couch and talked. I love just sitting and talking. They would honestly do anything they could to help me. It is nice to finally have people who I can count on no matter what. Nate was really tired so we were going to leave, but only Chase ended up leaving. We sat by my car and talked some more haha. Talking to Nate helped me realize what kind of a life I could have and what I want for my future. I finally left at 1:40am. 13 hours later i laughed and played and learned so much. Loved every minute.
It was just an amazing day in every way. Had my prayers answered in a beautiful sacrament meeting, spent time with a perfect and fun family, had great conversations with two great guys, got to make cookies :) It was so spiritual and loving and made me want to continue down the path that I'm on even more than I did before.